As I think about my friends, my story, there story, and their families' stories I realize each one is special, different, but we are all the same.

We are Mothers who have lost children.

We may have lost our children at different ages, stages of pregnancy. But we still hold on to our babies memories close to our hearts. They are precious in our eyes and in God's eyes - Isaiah 49:25

 

 

 

October is National Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month, (per a 1988 decree by President Reagan).  Mothers and Fathers out there, who have lost a child, I am aware and hold that pain of loss of a child. God promises we will see them again. I hold that promise close to my heart and await for that day to hold them once again - John 5:28-29.

I want to hold a remembrance for our children to give you as parents the courage to speak your child name.

 

 

Breaking the silence and telling the World I have children.

 

My 1st time Going to a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting was so hard for so many reasons, but the memory that hit me the most and often is about that 1st meeting was the making of your name tag. It was so emotional and so gut wrenching I stared at that name tag for what felt like hours. I painted my name on the wood house and was told there are pink and blue and yellow gems this represent how many children you have.  No one knew I had lost children before this time I did not share this with anyone. My son Zachy had been dead for 9 years at this point. As I considered these losses I thought to myself, do these count too as to how many gem I put on my name tag? I was becoming an emotional wreck; if I don't put these gems on my name tag. What does that say about me? Does that make me an awful person/ mother to them; to deny they were ever a part of me and a part of my life?

I was pregnant with my Son Gavin at the time I did not know the sex of the baby in my belly; my husband and I wanted to keep it a secret. One of the ladies assisting me said, "are you confused about what to do?"  "It is a name tag!... " In my head I am screaming at her it not just a name tag lady this is a line here do I admit my children I've lost or deny being there mother and pretend to all these woman, who I don't even know, and don't trust with my story.  Do I let them into my heart and see the gems?

Then do I take the risk of them asking about my son; I would have to say he is dead, and then another pregnancy child loss, then another one and it just keeps going.  Do I cry when they ask because this pain has never been spoken aloud to any one other than my husband. How do I handle it? Am I a mess or do I act like an unemotional robot.

 

Now that that happen does anyone want to be my friend with this mess of a person that needs all the "attention" or "does not seem human"? I know I am really a mess, a really sad emotional empty person inside, but I put on this face of a whole different person a happy person. People want to be friends with a happy person. So I go on pretending I am truly one happy person and just put 1 little yellow gem signifying I am pregnant with my 1st baby. I stuff that pain once again inside my self as my heart breaks apart one more time and I shove all that sadness and grief somewhere inside to deal with hours later on the floor of my closet in a pool of tears, to just pick myself up right before my husband comes home because I don't want to tell him why I am so sad and beating myself  for being a bad mother once again.

All because of a simple nametag.... ( so stupid I know he would say to himself in his head.....at least that was my justification to hiding my pain from him) 

Things are not simple to the grieving mother who not breaking the silence and telling others that she has children.