Embrace your Story at MOPS!

 

If it were not for MOPS, I would still be alone hurting. In many ways it saved my marriage, it helped me share those hurts I was bottling up. It kept my sanity as a woman and as a Mother. It kept a support system around me when I needed it.

 

I have taken this theme to heart this year and really embrace my story " A beautiful mess".

That is what I am.

I may not have the perfect story, life. But I am living my Mess now, and it is beautiful to me and I can embrace the ugliness of it.

 

One day I was broken on the floor crying wanting to kill myself from the pain I could not stand one more second of my life. I wanted to be with my Son who I know suffered and suffered great pain and when he died. I held on to that guilt knowing after the life he lived here was so painful. I could not face that he was in no pain any longer; I held on to that pain for myself.

I guilted myself into believing if I was a better mother, better person I could have saved him from death. I could not control it, but I made sure, in fact, I made myself believe for years I was to blame.

I only held that blame to myself, and did not put any blame on the others that left us alone, that ran away from there children.

Those who did not take care of their sweetness and love him and treated him badly..

What  do I do with the guilt that I was holding from other people who were responsible for causing hurt and pain to. I needed to hold on to this to justify I was not worthy, I was hold on the the Devil's lie. 

God does not want us to hold guilt, He wants us to learn and grow and be mindful of the love he has for us. I did not want to hear it at all, I wanted to hold this pain and hold it for everyone who ever hurt my Son.  I took me years and I mean years of not dealing with my grief. It was amazing how I changed when I started to give my hurt, pain, guilt to God. Praying on the carpet lying on the floor giving it to God.. do you know what he did, he took it from me. Right then and there. My tears began to dry I was able to start living the life God wanted me to. I was able to step out of my sever depression I'd been hold on to for close to 2 years after my Son died. I started living again.... I took one prayer at a time one moment at a time and God healed my heart and he alone showed me what love; pure true love was again not just by words but by actions.

 

I never really knew the definition of Love til he showed me.

 

1 Cor. 13:1-13

1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.