I feel like I need to make a sub category to my blog. So that you can get to see what you want and other things that you do not. So if you want to just read about picking up the broken pieces when I use this photo those will be the ones with which I am getting DEEP into feeling and thoughts.

 

 

 

I am so different today than I was 20 years ago. 20 years ago I was single I was pregnant and had no idea if the father of the baby was going to stick around. He was all over the place, and was not the best influenced. Had a lived with his grandma because both his parents lived in the bar 24/7. So here I was, starting a pretty decent job, maybe not great money, but it was a step in the right direction. I was working in the a Dentist office as a dental assistant. I found out a week after starting I was pregnant, and I kept my pregnancy a secret except from my boy friend at that point. We ended up finding an apartment, and moving in together, unmarried and pregnant. He worked at a meat cutting plant and it actually paid pretty good. the problem was he never actually went to work called in a lot for some reason.

So he was Always getting fired and having to get new jobs.. He lied to me for months one time and said he was working at a mobile home factory. Even had my Mom driving to work (and dropping him off in the parking lot). He did this for a couple month until I was like, “hey where is all this money”.. his excuses were that he had to pay for tools, then they messed up on the check etc. I finally called one day, having an emergency and needing to get in touch with him, and the human service determent said no one worked there by that name they only thing they could find was an application from a few weeks ago.) Good stuff!

We got married a month before my son Zachariah Nathanial was born.  I finally told my mom in one fell swoop, “Hey just got married and now /I having a baby.” She was shocked by both, especially when I told here that in July I was having him that next month. I didn't tell my job either. I did not get any health benefits except for dental which was nice. We were mostly a 1 income household because my husband could not/ would not keep a job.  I could not figure out why he was so lazy.

At the end of August I turn 19 years old, and 2 day later I had my son Zachy via emergency Cesarean section.  I did not even get a chance to know what was happening except my son was not getting oxygen and they needed to get him out. A nurse jumped on top of me and started to put IV's and gas mask on me as the others were wheeling me to an ER.

I think this was the 1st time my mom every told me she loved me out loud.. I think she thought I was going to die or something because  That was the only reason she would right?

Now I, and I assume you, asked, “why was your Mom there and not your husband”. I don't know, he would pop his head in and out through out the day. He took me to the hospital got me check in a 3 am. when my water broke, but took a lot of breaks lasting several hours through out the day. I was depressed and angry with him. He had left me alone hours at a time after about the 12th time leaving me while I was in labor; the only person I could call was my Mom. There comes a time in your brain, no matter how bad a parent treats you growing up and how much you don't want them there, you have no where else to turn; and if the child asks for help they will be there. Something clicks sometimes with abusive parents and that child they abused. I said, at least they will hopefully hold my hand and sit beside me. At least you hope you will not be rejected by your parent at a time like this.

So my son Zachy was born he had to be taken to the Pediatric ICU he was there for a week his little heart was not pumping blood correctly and was not producing oxygenated blood.  He had to have surgery to fix the blood flow and close the gap in his heart . He was in and out of the hospital for the next few months constantly turning blue. We got through those few month all the while moving into my Mom's because my husband decided once again he was not up to going to work any longer. Good times. 

My Zachy lived and he became the center of my world. We go to the heart doctors that were hours away. I did not realize at the time how close to death he was this whole time. I was clueless a stupid young mother who took everything for granted, I expected everything to be there and for there to be no other out come.

I had expectations that life goes on and no matter what your stuck in the mess of it. I loved that little boy, but I did not appreciate him. I was obligated to his Dad now, by marriage, and I was bound and determined to not be my Mom and Dad that had re-married a handful of time. I was going to stick it out with this Man even though something was terrible off with him and I could not see what it was that was right in front of me.....