It has been 16 holiday seasons when does it get less sad?

Zachy, my son would be 19 years old this year. I fanaticize, I would have raise a college student and he would be a sophomore this year at some really great school studying how to be a wonderful professional and following his dreams.

 

But that just not my reality my reality is that I have to go one another year through the holiday of Thanksgiving where I have to pretend I completely Thankful about everything, Christmas where I force myself out of bed and put a smiley face on for everyone else on the outside. When all I want to hear is his name out loud, touch his face. Spending this meal with him, the morning of Christmas celebrating with him. I am broken up into a million pieces and I wake up with a whole new broken heart with new pains to deal with all the while knowing no one cares about him in this world but me. It is a very lonely thought and it a very lonely feeling to have when everyone around you is celebrate and completely happy. They are not even thinking about me and they are certainly not even thinking about my Zachy. It has plagued me in the past so much and I have so much anxiety and sadness on celebratory days, it just sucks all around. I want to just yell and scream and put these days behind me.  I am hurting and tearing up my inside holding my anxiety and hurt in so no one has to deal with the humbug today. No one knows, and no one cares that I am hurting.... but me. 

 

As this time of year comes around  I know it would help me so much if someone else cared. If someone would call, email, Facebook me and say, " Lee thinking of you today and I thinking of how it must hurt to be without your son Zachy on days t=like this. just wanted you to know I was praying for you."  The acknowledgement would be the greatest gift I could get on these days.

 

 

It has never happened for me though, but I know the more I talk to other friends, family , strangers it gives me hope to give them insight in to the life of the grieving. If you know   someone who has lost someone. Know that during the holidays they may seem fine because they are smiling and not crying, Just talk to them and let them know you are thinking and praying for them mention the lost love ones name to them and reaffirm to them they are not alone in their sadness and grief.

 

I really pray you all have a bless Holiday session, I am looking forward to this session and celebrate it with excitement because I love to see the happiness it brings my family. There always will be a huge part of my life where I want my children to be a part of this celebration but it is just not the reality of my life.

 

 

I also want to add this - it something I do to help feel connect with my loss. It helps me heal and re- let go of my love one. I love to light a candle in memory, to remember my son Zachy. I love to remember one fun memory or holiday memory from years past.

I will Light Candles this Christmas
by Howard Thurman

I will light Candles this Christmas;
Candles of joy despite all sadness,
Candles of hope where despair keeps watch,
Candles of courage for fears ever present,

Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days,
Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens,
Candles of love to inspire all my living,
Candles that will burn all the year long.