Sometimes we need to let go and give God the Relationship.

Sometimes the hardest thing God calls us to do is leave our family members in his hands, but we can be confident of this—He works all things together for good! 

 

 

 

So what does that mean for myself in the relationship and the one left behind with so many of my immediate family and I have rough relations.

I ask myself often how and when to get involved in the craziness that I grew up with and devastation that was my 20's that plagues me almost everyday in one way or another.

 

I have to ask myself a couple things.  Can only invest? Why do I want to invest?  Will it change anything?  Can it make me happier if I do in the end?   So much in my life has been dealing with seriously crazy and mental ill people even when they deny any and all thing bad with them. Which has cause great friction because. I struggle with how can I forgive someone who never says are Sorry for the horrible things they have done and continue to do. Especially when the crazy looks good from the outside when everyone is looking. It happens to be the one thing I still struggle with myself also being  more of the same person I want to reflect to other when I am outside my home. I want my children to see I am the same and deal with them the same behind closed doors. It was not the case when I grew up in my home. It was very abusive emotionally and physically and sometimes surprise by the way I looked with bruises and how I handle d everything with crying all the time more was not done to take us kids out of the house. Maybe it was but my Mom a pathological lyre and could lye her ways out of everything. Mostly because she looked normal and not like the abusive dirty disgusting parent that most would note as the type of parent that was neglectful and hurtful to her children. My mother is the only one she cares about and I know this is the truth of the fact. In any situation especially on Facebook she is a master of looking good looking like she the best at everything. Looking like she does not suffer from a serious mental illness. "It is just Mom everyone would say and her stories." Every one I know enables the lying the crazy it her personality let her be she not hurting anyone they would say growing up.... But she was she was hurting My brother and my sister greatly and couldn't they see that. Of course they could but who would want to admit they were married to a monster or a friend to one... no one no one at all. I easy to live in denial.

 

I believe my mother for the most part lives in denial, to herself and especially about how she raised her children. She always says I did not smoke or drink so I was a great mother. Maybe she been nicer if she had a vise while growing up to deal with her stress instead of beating and bullying her children there whole living existence while under her roof. Or wait the abuse continues even thought we do not live under the same roof.

 

Note I think I may be by the grace of God been watched over by not turning to Drugs or Alcohol as unfortunately every single sibling I have has or continues to have Drug or alcohol driving issues or are recovering from these addictions.  My saving grace to deal with my child hood was involvement in anything. Church, sport where really my saving grace at one point I have 3 sports going on at one time.   I had Cross country running, Dance and Marching band when you can leave you r home before the sun rises and get home after your parents go to bed it a great thing and oh I had a job on the weekends to keep me gone if I didn't have something I would retreat to my best friends home and hide out there. It was a miserable existent to be afraid of your home, of your family no one to stand up for you ever. It messes with you self worth, who you think you are, what you think you can become is so limited you never have any one speak anything positive in your ears unless you hear how you mom decided to live through your accomplishment and  tell everyone how great you are with the exception of how she always been one step higher in hers to compare how you are not good enough and As your mom I am always better, prettier and smarter.  This is the message I could not stop hearing growing up it was the only message I ever heard, you are not good enough ever, it was my mantra, it was my life.

 

So what do you do, in the letting thing constantly go due to a Mother that was never loving, nurturing, caring, I mean the real kind of love not the show me your beside of love on Facebook. I never heard how much I was love till she became a Facebook plugge. She like pauperize on my post, I something have to unpost her comments also as she goes through rants so it like I am still babysitting the crazy of my family.  My sister ended up closing the account for this very reason, I can appreciate this sentiment. Although I miss her and seeing the kids grow up since my side of the family lives on the West coast and I live on the East.

 

So going back to those question I ask myself. I determined in never is worth it to talk to her about why I am hurt, question her about the lying, there is no value in it for me.

 

Sometimes there never going to be an apology and this person who done wrong by you will never acknowledge the hurt the pain. It does not matter if it was there best and all, it was still not right to be treated as a burden and  in the way of her having a happy life.  I also know that saying sorry for your actions can go a long way. I no that will never happen either.

 

So I do not interact with Crazy anymore in really any aspect of it in my life my family even friends that tend to start or live for drama I usually cut them out, sometimes with out them knowing it and sometimes I lose my self in my mouth and blurt out I have enough crazy don't want any more.

 

I realize I have tendency that are link back to my mother I had a mother that was either Angry or Furious, those where her emotions and I have to remind myself to re- teach myself this is not the way, there is better emotions and I need to walk away when I see my self mirroring the behavior I grew up with. I so desperately wish I could ignore these behavior that have been imprinted on me as easily as it been to ignore the phone calls and Facebook junk I see from these family member who tend to drive me insane when I get involved or speak out when they lash out at me due to the truth being brought out.

 

It not worth it for me to voice any opinion good or bad. I then tend to remember to them I never good enough to be heard and that may never change. I accepted that and it has helped me to know it does not pay to get caught in the unhappiness of other people even when they are your blood.

 

I enjoy the happiness of my life and nothing is worth it to me to infer with it. So sometimes saying your peace can cause wars.  I will give my family members or whoever ciaos to God and let him carry the pain for me and pray he is chipping away at there heart and changing them. He truly is the only one who can heal their wounds and God is working in me and  healing them everyday.

 

 

I does not affect me and my children as I completely limit the interaction either way and most times my children are not effected because she never even calls to talk to them and she limits interaction on Facebook to pretty little packages which is fine by me.

 

     

I will go through this Christmas and appreciate that I have held on to the relationship with my Mom it different and it not a pretty little present under the tree. But I can survive it, by the way I don't react to the her anger or the pretty portrait that is per-trade by her at times.