Pickupthebrokenpieces: This is about picking up those broken pieces.

This is about picking up those broken pieces and making something of worth or value from it all. Those broken pieces are pain, hurt, loss, anger, frustration, brokenness. How do you take those pieces and make any thing out od such awfulness, how do you begin to start sweeping them, up, how do you collect them.

I look at this mess that is a huge part of my life, I see it as a mess I made, the mess others have placed on my life.

God gave us free will he also gave it to other people. So in the aching hours of the night when you lye restless because of your hurt your mind if fatigue and it take you to those busy places of you mind you can shut off from the business of day time and your everyday life.

It occurs to me in these times is when I start to beat myself up especially about the things It seems I could not control. I trying to find a reason for the madness of other people and how that madness has affected me in this life.

I begain to feel guiltly I trusted in them, believe what they told me. Sometimes it not as easy to see truth in people when you think you love them. Most of the time I see that I loved them only because of what they wanted me to see. I was in a no win in many parts of my life with people who choose to do harm to me, and my life. Harm to my children and choose there free will to do harm in unexplainable ways.

There is evil in this world and some people are better at lying and hiding that evil. So am I to blame for believing in the lies of another and now and I have suffered the consequences of that lie.

I blame myself for not seeing evil when it was right in front of me, like I should have changed it somehow. Trust is a funny thing and sometimes you trust the wrong people. Sometimes you are lucky and you can move on from the mistake with little injury to yourself, learn from and see that lye in the next person for who they are. But other times your mistakes can change who you are and change how you survive through this life. Trusting in the wrong person can ruin you, it ruined me and til this day I still do not know how I survived it, other than by the Grace of God taking me and carry me through a mass of lies, deception and abuse.

I have seen all truths regarding these things after the fact, after all the lies started to come to surface. It was to late, my loss was enormous and there was no brushing myself off from this I could barely pick myself off the floor. I could not even see what was straight ahead. I started going in a state of denial, I could not even comprehend the type of evil it take to take someone else life. It seemed so false to me that I could love someone so evil it was not natural. I think the denial is a survival mechanism and way to get through one of the many different stages of grief. The denial that I was going through, was the shield God was giving me to survive the next couple years of my life, in that fact I have no doubt. Because without it to face the pain, the hurt, the crushing loss of someone else taking your child away from you was unbearable to live with unthinkable in every single way.

God has given us the gift of free will in all the wonderful ways. But he gives to everyone and sometimes that free will from other people can ruin your whole life and shatter it into a million pieces. That all I been trying to do is pick up the pieces of my life at times that someone else broke.

It causes sleep deprived night, of anger and tears and bitterness. I know if this people was never born and without his evil in this world my life could have been extremely different. It not and then the awful cycle of guilt, blame and trying to make sense of a senseless crime goes on who do I blame myself for not seeing the truth is usually where I end up on the floor in a puddle of tears. I wish I had more answers but sometimes you just need to end up on the floor crying and hurting, because it the only release that you have and it the only thing you can do. Because you can't learn very much from this mistake other than to survive it in anyway that you can.