Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

I really work hard around the holidays to remind myself to say that I am thankful for things around me. For my life and the blessings I have now.

 

 

 

 

I have to remind myself almost every second to put a smile on my face to match what I feel inside... that is for the most part.

 

The 1st big holiday without your love ones are really the hardest ones, Because you have to get used to the new normal. The new of them not being there. I pray for all those who are going through this this year. I hope reading this helps you,  you are still blessed for so many things, just tell your self till you believe it.

 

I am Blessed! I don't question that. I just need to remind myself because for so many years I was so alone, so grief stricken every where I turned I was faced with one more up hill battle. I had to fight to just breath on a daily basis. I had to fight to not break down in front of people. I had to fight not to cry, to not be the apparent person who lost a child. I did not cry out at all to any one about my suffering I just hide in inside my pillow at night alone in my apartment. I was a failure in every way. I failed my child as his mother. I failed in every where that matters.

 

I get in the mode from familiarity because I go in to protection mode I don't show my hurt on the out side. It comes out in hostility, anxiety, shouting, announce at most things. I just start shutting down and pushing my grief and hurt down. It goes to those places once again where it causes me stress, anger, the feeling of hopelessness all over again.

 

So yes I need to remind myself that I am blessed, I am loved. My children may not all be here with me but I am blessed to have had them. I am blessed and thankful for what I have and have to focus on that and really work hard at not focusing on the ones I do not have with me this season. It so hard to do that, so I will constantly remind myself that I am blessed because not only is it true. It easy to forget also when you have grief and it is a deep down grief that you need to fight your way through almost everyday, but special occasions these days make the getting up and putting on a happy face harder. So I will remind myself I am blessed to the point that it brings me out of bed with a smile. It will get me through the Day of Thanksgiving and blessing. I will be blessed and remind myself this all day if that what it takes.