The 19th of every month causes such anxiety for me. But at least it not anxiety I cause my self on a weekly or daily basis any longer I can deal with it once a month I suppose.
I have a family member I just do not know how to deal with. So I just send a text once a month on the same date. I do not even know if they realize that at all. I am sure there is no "hey it the 19th of the Month I wonder if I will get a text today".
The problem arises with me having anxiety is that I never get a response back from either a Facebook message or a text message. I decided not to call any longer as the phone just rings, but I still want to reach out to say hey I know you are still there. I still care about you and regardless of the silent treatment. So this has been going on about 9 months now. It now has become something I stress about, like I needed one more thing right. But I stress as now what do I say if they actually respond, now it has to be awkward and weird to I mention it or do I let it go. Do I wait to see what they have to say about not responding. And more than likely, Do I get rejected once more by this person and put my bullet proof vest self on for the day to protect my self for hurt. Do they even know, care that I am hurting- the answer is obviously, I know but I am not willing to admit defeat. I want to fight this battle, it not about winning though it about not giving up. I try hard not to give up, I was in Cross country in high school, it made me tough in ways someone that never ran before can understand it a mental tough. I will keep running till I see that finish line. I was not great at Cross country, but was not bad either. I never ever walked not even when I had terrible chin splints. I would run too get to the finish line even if it was slow. I guess that attitude is why I keep trying I have not crossed the finish line and probable will need to keep running after them the rest of my life. The finish line for me may never appear in the distance. This family member is important to me so it is important for me to stay connected even if they do not care either way. I have no idea if they read my one or two sentences I send every month or not. That does not seem to matter to me as a reason to not do it. I even feel if they did not want me to communicate in even the minimal way possible as I do. They'd could defriend me or send me a text to stop right? It about keeping the door open even if it the smallest most in significant crack. I will never give up on them or a relationship that we could have. I believe God wants me to show grace even as I have not been shown any by them regardless, it also not important. I need to continue to have anxiety, sadness, and love on this day every month. It what God has called me to do. So I guess I need to just keep running.
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